It took me so long to figure out a way to understand my gender. When i learned about trans identities, it didn't click instantly; but slowly through the seasons i started being seeing that a lot of what felt wrong in my life stemmed from people's expectations from my percieved gender.

 "i'm a boy who likes feminine stuff" turned into "i'm not even a boy! i like whatever i like!" turned into "i'm maybe even a bit of a girl" turned into "i'm a trans girl". But right when i started feeling a degree of certainty about my gender, every indicator that reassured me i was trans started to disapear. I no longer felt dysphoric when looking in the mirror, i no longer felt that spark of joy when people used feminine pronouns, I had no interest in wearing dresses, ...

Did i make up all those reasons that lead me to think i was not a boy? Did i fake it all? Those fears ate at me for months until it started happening again: slowly, one by one, the signs that i was a girl started coming back.